Possibilities

The question that has been beating on the inside of my head lately is quite simple in its phrasing and yet any potential answer is so complex I cannot even begin to fathom what it may be.

What could I do if I really tried?

Contrary to the popular, "What would you do if you won the lottery/had no limitations/had any one super power/etc." variations, the question that has been plaguing me has two distinct differences. "Could" and "tried".

What could I do if I really tried?

Like the rest of my family, I have been blessed with an average-to-above-average intelligence, decently varied and well-honed sets of skills and talents, and the ability to reasonably, if not always most efficiently, handle whatever comes my way. While all of these characteristics are truly blessings, they are also curses in that I have never really had to try.

Yes, I have had my struggles and yes, I have had some falls and failures, but for the most part my life thus far has been fairly easy and obstacle-free. I have been able to navigate much of the course with only one hand on the wheel. Not exactly something to complain about, I know, but detrimental none the less as I find myself in my mid-twenties with little understanding of who I am and what I am truly capable of, given a little passion and effort.

Take writing for example. When I was in grade school I felt I was destined to be a writer when I grew up and joined the mysteriously appealing order of adulthood. I was in writing clubs, some of which I co-founded. I read books well above my age level. In high school one side of my class ring showed our school mascot. The other showed a quill and parchment. I was born to be a writer.

Somewhere along the line, however, I either forgot I was born to be a writer, or I stopped caring. Writing became something I did only for tests and term papers. While it still came easily, passable work required very little time and effort, and thus very little time and effort was exuded.

Occasionally I have had flashes of my old passion and brilliance. I am truly proud of the work that has resulted from these moments. While most of my "work" is trash (when I choose to write at all), some is truly good and leads me to wonder, "What could I do if I really tried?" In the past year I have been compelled to really try with my writing twice. Both times resulted in something extraordinary. I have shared one of these results with the world. The other I keep for myself, at least for now.

Such success, limited as it may be, leads me to wonder about the rest of my life. What about a career and a mate and a family and a relationship with God? What about self-discovery, selfless living, and social awareness? What about emotionally, socially, and personally healthy choices? What about being the heroine of my story, rather than the longing observer?

What could I do if I really tried?

~g