Acceptance

"I am more secure in who I am, in what I believe, and more content with myself than I can ever remember being."

In a recent exchange of messages with a friend I wrote the above words. I have thought of them ever since. For the first time in my adult life I am at peace with myself. I am comfortable expressing my thoughts and feelings openly and honestly. I am spending my time as I wish, be it alone or out with friends or running errands or attending church. I no long fear the reactions of others in regards to how I act, what I do, and how I think. I am just being me, fully, and I am happier than I have been in a very long time.

The timing of this new-found contentment is a bit odd, given what has been happening in my world, but at the same time is understandable for the same reason. All of the areas of my life over which I am personally involved (but not completely responsible for) seem to be in turmoil. Work is still filled with drama, my job search remains unproductive, and I continue to be the reigning queen of Singledom. Chaos is swirling all around me, but, rather than trying to exert my control-freak tendencies, I am fully calm. It's a new experience for me.

I have finally figured out that I can't control the world; I can only control myself. I am currently figuring out that by controlling myself, I am creating a ripple effect of peace and acceptance that is working on all of the upheaval surrounding me. The biggest lesson so far, though, has been the realization that the only control I truly have is the ability to recognize I don't really control anything, including myself.

I know, I know, I am talking in riddles and circles. But it makes sense to me. And really, this will make sense to most of you as well when I put it this way: "Thy will be done". The more I come to believe in the truth of those four words, the more I say and practice them, the more peaceful I become. However, I'm not just experiencing peace. I'm also experiencing what it is to actually accept and love myself as I am. I'm finally seeing in me what others have seen and loved all along.

I was recently complimented for my integrity. Not that long ago I never would have thought I possessed true integrity. Or rather, I never would have thought I had a particular set of morals or values that required integrity. Now I know I do.

I was recently complimented for my generosity. Not that long ago I never would have thought I was abundantly generous. Or rather, I never would have thought my generous acts were anything out of the ordinary. Now I know they are.

I was recently complimented for my kind heart. Not that long ago I never would have thought my heart was overly kind. Or rather, I never would have thought my choice to believe people are inherently good sets me apart from the cynicism and skepticism that surrounds us. Now I know it does.

Life is pretty awesome right now.

Love!

~g

Perception

I don't know why, but lately most everything, even the ordinary things, strike me as blessings. Perhaps I am developing a greater understanding of the world. Perhaps I am developing a greater understanding of myself. Perhaps it's both. Perhaps it's neither.

When I park further away from the door in the parking lot for extra exercise I'm thinking about how lucky I am that I have the ability to walk. When I listen to the spring birdsong I am grateful my ears work properly. When I'm squinting against the sun I am reminded how fortunate I am to see. When I wake in the middle of the night because I am too warm with all of my blankets I remember millions are sleeping unprotected outdoors, having no home or pillow to call their own.

My life is good. My life, simple as it is, consists of the things many dream and hope and pray for. I have a loving family. I have a home. I have a job that pays the bills and leaves a little left over. I am relatively healthy. I have good friends. I have experienced sorrow but never tragedy. I have nearly limitless choices regarding who I want to be and what I want my life to mean. I can speak as I want to speak and believe as I want to believe without fear of retribution or persecution. I have the freedom to travel where I like when I like. I can love whomever I want to love.

I am not so naive as to believe my life will always be this good. Trials will come. Suffering will occur. Difficult situations and decisions will present themselves. Hearts will break and tears will be shed. Pain, doubt, and anger will crowd out peace, trust, and joy. Faith will falter.

I pray that when life becomes hard I will remember to see the blessings. I hope I never become so selfish and self-involved that I stop looking outside myself. And may I always remember that true grace requires active practice.

Love!

~g