Blogs and Thoughts

Marshall and I were having a Facebook conversation tonight about our blogs and life and such. Below is a snippet of that conversation. The reference Marsh makes about love was in response to my status on Facebook, which reads, "Grace wonders, of the following, which is the greatest: Peace, Joy, Faith, Hope, or Love?"

Grace

:)

i don't say nearly as many profound things in my entries - nothing like you. mine are more for just keeping people up to date on my life and random thoughts

Marshall

ha

i just ramble like a son of a b

not profound at all.

Grace

your thoughts and rambling are usually pretty profound. God gave you quite the mind big brother.

Marshall

well, He gave me something.

i just hope i put it to good use.

Grace

i think you are

Marshall

also, the bible would say love.

just fyi.

Grace

i know the verse, but when you throw faith in the mix....

Marshall

but then comes the debate of whether faith is even possible without love.

OH SHIT NO HE DINTTTTT

Grace

or is the love the result of the faith?

Marshall

can you have faith in something you dont believe in? or that you dont trust?

and arent believe and trust at the core of love?

Grace

yes - that's what faith is sometimes... trusting and believing despite all evidence to the contrary. faith isn't necessarily easy, and arguably stronger when it involves adversary

Marshall

right.

so then it could be argued than none is actually greater than the others, but that all are equally important when considered to be inextricably tied to the rest.

Grace

which gets to the root of my initial question... perhaps i didn't post looking for an answer but instead knew it would be rhetorical and instead wanted to start a conversation

Grace

or perhaps the question stems from current life events of me

Marshall

im sure it does.

Grace

totally terrible sentence structure there

Marshall

come on, grad school

Grace

still better than a lot of people

11:48pmMarshall

yea.

The conversation was heading in a route I liked and was saddened when Marshall informed me it was time for him to sign off. I considered writing him an email to continue with my thought process, then decided to post it here instead. I know Marshall is not the only person who will be interested in what I have to say next.

I know something has been missing in my life. And I know that I have been restless and unhappy. And I have known, deep down, for a very long time that what is missing is a belief in something bigger, in God.

Having been raised Christian it is very easy for me to turn to the Christian faith. Honestly, I don't think I ever left it behind. It has always been there, but many questions and doubts of my own have stood in the way. Church and religion have long been sources of pain and confusion for me. The hypocrisy I witnessed and experienced for myself growing up were enough to push me away and keep me away. It is very difficult to look beyond the fallacy of the mortal followers to the perfection of the immortal God. The tangible is always more easily accepted than the intangible.

Several years ago five words wrote themselves on my heart. I did not pay them much mind then, but I am paying them lots of mind now. Peace. Joy. Faith. Hope. Love.

I am still struggling, wanting desperately to believe and yet feeling chained to all my history and doubt.

About two weeks ago I made a decision. I decided, rather than work it all out for myself and then approach God, that I would ask for His help instead. So I sat down by myself and closed my eyes and began to let my heart speak.

I couldn't begin to tell you all of the words. I truly can't remember most. I was not thinking of what to say to God; I was just saying it. I do know I asked Him into my heart and soul. I asked for His love and partnership. I asked for His help in healing the injuries caused in His house as I grew up. I asked for His guidance and patience as I come to know Him as I am now, instead of who I used to be. I told Him I made the choice to have faith in Him and His plan for my life even though questions still plague me. I told Him the faith is my part of the deal, and part of that is the belief He will heal me and come into my life in the timing He sees fit. I told Him I needed and wanted Him and His love.

There was no blinding insight; no instantaneous belief or joy. Mostly there was exhaustion and tears. Really, day-to-day life seems unchanged. The only difference is I feel more calm, more at peace. I laugh more and smile more. I have been more giving of my time, attention, and resources than before and finding great joy in it. And I have become very focused on Christmas. Yes, that is random, but then again, is it?

I am sure there will be tough times ahead. I am sure there will be days when I struggle at maintaining faith. Pray for me. Pray God continues his work. Pray for the day my healing is complete and the Lord enters my life as my partner and savior.

I am sure some of you are going to want to speak to me after reading this. I look forward to hearing from you as I continue this scary and exciting journey.

Much love.

~g