Is it really mind over matter?

It is no secret the past year of my life has been challenging. My mom, especially, has had to deal with my moaning and complaining and overall despondency. I knew when I made the choice to come to Chicago for grad school that it would be difficult. I just didn't know how difficult.

I am not pity-partying myself. I am not looking for attention or benevolence. I am just trying to understand. How it is possible to have such a strong visceral reaction to a place? Is it possible location can alter personality? Is there such a thing as mind over matter or are some forces too strong to be ignored, much less overcome?

I feel, regrettably, that I have become a much more negative person in the last year. While I have bemoaned the impolite cops, the scoundrels and hooligans, the forceful street beggars, the purse snatchers, the sewer system, and the traffic I have also been fair in highlighting Chicago's more positive attributes. I can walk 3 blocks south from my apartment to Taylor Street and indulge in a plethora of worldly cuisine. Thai noodles today, authentic Italian tomorrow, homemade Mexican the next day, and New York size slices of pizza and a 16 oz. soda for $4 just about any time day or night.

Every morning as I walk to work I an mere blocks from the Sears Tower. I've strolled along Michigan Avenue, gazed upon the famous Marshall Fields Tiffany ceiling, attended the old German Christmas Market on Daley Plaza, stood in Millennium Park in the sun of summer and the snows of winter, arrived and departed trains at Union Station, sat in the Great Hall, rocketed to the top of the Hancock Building to meander the classic Signature Room, explored the Museum of Contemporary Art, and reflected in majestic churches.

Obviously, I know there is good in Chicago. I know, years from now when I am in a different place doing a different thing, I will reflect on my time here with a sense of nostalgia and understanding of the growth that is occurring.

I can appreciate it, but do I have to like it? I can accept it, but do I have to espouse it?

How do I reconcile the person the city requires me to be with the person I want to become? When I am in the city I am purposeful, direct, wary, vigilant, suspect, forceful, cynical, and bit angry. It's impossible to know who to trust and who is going to smile at you one minute and pick your pocket the next. There is hardly a moment when I can let down my guard. It's exhausting. And it's such a constant state that I worry it is fast becoming a part of my personality, rather than the role I need to play.

As I have become increasingly worried about the person I am I have begun to cling to the philosophy "Be Subject to One Another". I do not want to be so self-focused. I do not want to walk by others and not see them. I do not want to live solely for myself or clutch my purse tighter or avert my eyes or glance behind every 10 steps.

I want a purpose. I want to serve. I want to accept and love. I want to make a difference. I want to be subject to others.

Am I strong enough to do this?

~g