I have had a lot on my mind lately.
The last question is really the most important since it gave rise to the others. After a lot of thought I've come to a conclusion that I was already mostly aware of: I can be a difficult person to love.
That's not to say I'm a bad person or that I am any less deserving of love as the next person, only that sometimes I'm not the easiest person to love and that can be hard on those who do love me. I don't think I am at all extraordinary in this regard; perhaps the extraordinary thing is that I am aware of many of the things that make it hard to always love me. Woohoo for self reflection and being honest with oneself! There's nothing like being forced to really examine the person you've become. It can feel like a root canal performed without Novocaine. For the last few weeks, in particular, I have spent a significant amount of time in the metaphorical dentist's chair and the pain killers have been in short supply.
In just the last week alone I have experienced a wide range of emotions. I have laughed. I have cried. I have been nauseated. I have been lonely. I have been angry. I have have been incredibly sad. I have been nervous. I have been impatient. I have felt at peace. And I have been utterly exhausted.
Why am I such a difficult person to love? It's simply because I demand as much from those who love me as what I give in return. Fair? Some may say no, but I think it is. I have been accused of being too idealistic and for living in a fantasy land. I have been accused of asking too much of others. I guess "accused" is not really the correct term since I really am pretty idealistic and I really do ask a lot of others.
I want a lot out of life. I know reality will interfere, that plans will change, and that there are infinite amounts of shades of grey. Still, that doesn't mean I can't strive for what I want and hopefully get something close to the ideal. The thing I want the most from life is to love and be loved.
I have a very specific idea of what true love looks like. Perhaps it's because I grew up watching Disney movies or perhaps it's because I've read too many romance novels, but I prefer to think it's because I have seen wonderful examples of real love from members of my family and from my friends.
To me love is the most wonderful gift you can give someone and receive in return. It is powerful and consuming. It forsakes all others. It is committed, passionate, faithful, loyal, patient, accepting, considerate, joyous, peaceful, hopeful, exciting, and content. It's seeing the flaws in another person and choosing to not focus on them. It's putting the needs of someone else over your own. It's honoring and respecting another individual's thoughts, emotions, and desires. It's being supportive even when the support is not easy to give. In short, true love is incredibly selfless and requires a great deal of sacrifice. When all written out, it doesn't sound too pleasant. It sounds like loving someone takes a lot from a person. In all honesty, that's true. But if the person you love gives you back the same kind of love, then you lose nothing and gain everything.
That's the kind of love I give, so that's the type of love I demand. And that's why I can be hard to love. But I truly believe that I deserve the type of love I have described, so it's one thing I refuse to compromise or settle on. What I really need to work on is believing that I am worthy of love.
So there you go, my thoughts on love. It's been quite the week for me so far as philosophical matters go. And that's enough for one post.
Love!
~g
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